The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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