Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
