i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
