Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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