Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
