Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
