Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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