Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
