i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
