Christians are straight up FREAKS
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
