I cockslap morals
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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