I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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