Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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