Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
