He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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