It's like God shit irony all over that family
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
