if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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