Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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