Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
we're making bets on your personal life
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize