1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
