BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
