White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
