i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
