I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
