If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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