i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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