i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize