I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
