Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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