Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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