I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
