You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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