I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
the liver wants what the liver wants
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
