What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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