well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
