I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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