yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
