I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I am naked and annoyed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
