This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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