if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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