My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
