he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
