I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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