im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Boobs are out for the taking
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
