Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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