pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
