My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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