last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
