dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
