That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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