People in love make me want to vomit
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
