kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
