woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize