Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
