Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
