I murdered the dance floor call the cops
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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