we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize