I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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