I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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